Siblings and Selective Mutism

Dear SMA Community,

Supporting and parenting children with Selective Mutism (SM) can present unique situations for families with multiple children. Treatment at times requires a lot focused attention on the interactions and behavior of a child with SM, and caregivers can understandably feel unsure about how to explain treatment to siblings and make sure their other children in the home feel supported and understand what is happening.

Occasionally parents will share that they feel their child with SM is getting more attention than their children without SM. While some days any child can require more support than others, try spread out your attention and one on one time with children in the home. Remember, even just ten quality minutes of devoted attention can really go far! You may have learned about specific strategies, like giving labeled praise or making behavioral descriptions, for engaging with your child with SM – remember that these work well for connecting with other children too, particularly younger siblings. There will be days, however, for reasons that may not be related to Selective Mutism, when your attention may be more focused on one child than another. Give yourself grace for when those times occur and know that it won’t last indefinitely.

A lot of times the behavioral treatment for Selective Mutism relies on small rewards or privileges. Siblings may ask ‘where is my brave chart?’ or ‘why does my sister gets a prize for talking?’ Keep in mind that kids quite naturally point out any injustices, however slight. It might be helpful, to explain to the sibling that everyone has something that is challenging and that right now you are helping the sibling with SM find their words because talking is hard for them. Perhaps remind your child that while they can easily use their voice, that they might have a challenge such as reluctance to try new foods, mastering riding a bike without training wheels or a fear of spiders, to name a few examples. If you have a system through which your child with SM can earn points or prizes for brave talking, you may wish to consider creating something similar for your other children, with individualized goals. Normalize for everyone in the household that we all have something that we are working on!

Lastly, it might be necessary to have a chat with your child about trying to avoid speaking for their sibling who has SM. While your child is doing so out of love and a desire to be helpful, you may need to explain in an age appropriate manner that when they speak for their sibling, that they are not giving them a chance to do so themselves. This can be a hard concept for young kids to understand, as it is often challenging for adults too.

As with any parenting situation (and we parents know there are many!) it is possible to navigate supporting your child with SM and balancing that with your other children’s needs. In the process, don’t forget to give yourself grace and also connect with other parents for additional support. If you are not able to find other parents in your local area, there are some great online support groups through social media. Also, SMA has an online parent support group for SMA members that meets monthly.

Sincerely,
Denise Kinser, MSW, LCSW
SMA Board of Directors