How to Explain Selective Mutism to Friends and Family

August 2023

Dear SM Community,

People generally have a hard time understanding Selective Mutism (SM). Even some experienced mental health professionals have a difficult time conceptualizing SM symptoms and what causes them. It should be expected that family members, friends, educators, and other people you interact with on a day-to-day basis might be confused, and have questions about, why someone with SM acts the way they do. Someone with SM will talk in some situations, but not others, talk to some people, but not others, and talk during certain activities, but not others. Even with the same person and the same activity in two different settings, one setting may lead to speech and the other may not. This is all understandably very confusing from an outsider’s perspective. It can even be confusing for someone with SM to understand the situations that make them uncomfortable and take years to get a good grasp of it.

In my time of doing presentations and talking to teachers and parents about selective mutism, I’ve found that the explanation that most resonates with people is to explain SM as a fear. Everyone has fears of some kind, whether they are of spiders, snakes, heights, needles, or airplanes. I tell them to imagine their own biggest fear and having to live with it on a daily basis. I ask them to think about those situations they feel like they have to avoid no matter what. I find it helpful to start a conversation with them about their own fears and what they feel like when they encounter them. I ask them to imagine that we will go together tomorrow to do what they are afraid of and tell me how they would feel and how they might react. These fears usually bring on intense anxiety and physical symptoms like blurred vision, racing heart, trembling, difficulty concentrating, dizziness, headaches, or nausea—just like selective mutism can.

People typically understand that these fears they have are irrational. For someone with a spider phobia, a spider on a nature documentary can cause a reaction just like a real life one, even though there is no danger that arises from it. I can recognize that it is irrational for me to have anxiety talking to people, but that doesn’t negate the feelings it brings up. Putting selective mutism into terms like this can help others start to imagine what it feels like and why someone with SM acts the way they do. People will see why they can’t just “snap out of it.” In the end, hopefully that understanding will lead to more empathy, patience, and a desire to help with overcoming this fear.

Jonathan Kohlmeier
SMA Board of Directors