A Parent’s Perspective on Empathy: How I Stepped Out of My Comfort Zone to Better Understand My Daugher with Selective Mutism

About two years after my daughter’s diagnosis with selective mutism, my husband and I were invited to her school to do a presentation on SM to the teachers at a staff meeting. This seemed like a brilliant idea, and I could not wait. I spent the following days thinking about what I was going to say and about any potential questions that might come up. I was ready. But on the day of the presentation, I started to feel very nervous about speaking to a group. I had an unsettled feeling that made it difficult to sit still or think clearly. My mind was racing. I thought, “What was I thinking when I agreed to this? Can I cancel?” I just wanted to shake this feeling. Suddenly it hit me…is that how my daughter feels every day? All day? Wow! In that very instant I gained a new appreciation for just how challenging it was for my daughter to do the little things that we all find so easy.

At this point, we were about one year into our daughter’s treatment plan. We were challenging her with brave talking every day at school as well as in after school activities. She was making good progress and we settled into the feeling that were handling her exposures very well. I knew she was nervous, but I never stopped to consider how my little five-year-old daughter interpreted these challenges. It must have felt like I was asking her to climb a mountain! If I was going ask this of her, I should certainly hold myself to the same standards. How could I demonstrate to her that I also challenge myself to be brave and uncomfortable? I signed up to do a triathlon, which was new and completely out of my comfort zone. I started to take every opportunity that came up to speak to a group and strike up a conversation with strangers. I forced myself to speak out in every meeting. My husband and I decided to weave brave challenges into our family goals. We challenged ourselves to select one brave thing to do a month as a family, as well as individually. We shared our goals and progress with our daughter. And more importantly, our successes and failures!

This newfound empathy did help me to better understand my daughter. It helped me to be a bit more understanding when she cried, or simply did not want to participate in an afterschool activity after a long day. I now realize that her anxiety is her own emotional truth. It is not for me to determine if it is warranted or not. I can be a good listener to her when she shares how she is feeling and remember not to diminish or pass judgement. My job is to support her in the best way that I can and to also get out of my own comfort zone by practicing being brave in my own life.

What can you do to practice being brave?

Kristin Leos
Director of Membership/Special Initiatives
SMA Board of Directors