Parenting and Teens with SM

Motivation to Change

The unique developmental characteristics of adolescents can make them particularly resistant to acknowledging and accepting help for their SM. That is, as they get older, kids often have an increased desire to function autonomously. This can manifest as an “I can do it myself” and/or “I can make my own decisions” mentality, which can result in pushback against starting treatment and complying with treatment. Additionally, adolescents often have a reduced capacity for self-reflection. This might result in them minimizing the SM itself or the impact that SM is having on them or their family. It also might prevent them from being able to understand the long-term benefit of challenging their ingrained patterns of avoidance.

Given that SM becomes more ingrained the longer it continues, it feels even more challenging for kids who have had many years of not talking in certain contexts to overcome it. Also, as avoidance of anxiety-provoking situations provides temporary relief, avoidance of talking for SM teens might feel “most comfortable” – because this is what they know. They may even say that they “don’t want to have friends,” or they “want it to be this way”. This is often a means of avoidance. For teens who have had a long history of SM, the idea of stepping outside their comfort zone can feel terrifying – almost impossible.

Several techniques can be used to help get your child on board with working to overcome their SM:

• Acknowledge and normalize your teen’s SM: Parents sometimes feel uncomfortable or guilty discussing their teen’s SM with them, and therefore might avoid it altogether. This can inadvertently communicate that SM is something to be avoided or ashamed of. Instead, having open conversations about it models that it’s normal and healthy to acknowledge and confront.
• Consider medication: Sometimes, anxiety associated with SM might be so high that it makes it nearly impossible to do the behavioral work. In these cases, adding medication might bring their anxiety down just enough for the work to feel manageable to them. If teens are resistant to working toward overcoming their SM and are not already on an effective medication regimen, it could be helpful to consult with a psychiatrist to consider medication.
• Change environment/reduce enabling: As we know, it’s incredibly difficult to see your child in distress, and a parent’s natural instinct to this distress is to rescue them from the anxiety-provoking situation. Given that this can inadvertently reinforce SM, parents are encouraged to consider ways in which they can change such responses. Teens often need to experience the SM “getting in the way” of something that’s important to them in order to motivate themselves to take action – and this can only happen if parents allow them to experience those impairments. This might mean identifying and modifying their enabling actions, attending to positive/coping behaviors rather than negative/avoidant behaviors in their teen, and making it generally less comfortable for their teen to function with SM.

Fade-Ins

The fade-in process for teens with SM is similar to the process for younger kids, with one key difference being the warm-up activities that are used. Given that teens often have very defined interests, it’s important to use those interests to increase their comfort and engagement. Below are examples of different types of activities that can be used to get teens comfortable and increasingly verbal during fade-ins.

Non-Verbal Activities

• Watching YouTube/TikTok Videos
• Game apps (e.g., Color Switch)
• Art (e.g., drawing, jewelry-making)
• Card games (e.g., Uno, Blink, War, Exploding Kittens, Killer Bunnies)
• Video games
• Board games (e.g., Monopoly, Scrabble)
• Jenga
• Sports

Verbal Activities 

• Question Jenga
• Board games (e.g., Scattergories, Name 5)
• Game apps (e.g., Akinator, Heads Up)
• Card games (e.g., Would You Rather, Apples to Apples)
• Take any of the non-verbal activities and incorporate questions or rules around verbalizing (e.g., Uno – say the color and number) 

Helping Your Teen Challenge Themselves

With teens already hypersensitive to feeling pushed or controlled by adults (especially parents), it’s even more important to use a developmentally-appropriate approach that will resonate with them.

• Be collaborative: Include your teen in the process of setting goals. This might mean having them generate their own goals/steps or providing choices.
• Be transparent: Make sure your teen is aware of (in advance) and understands the rationale behind actions that you’re taking to help them or expectations you’re placing on them.
• Be flexible: When helping your teen take steps forward in challenging themselves, those steps can sometimes be a moving target. You may collaboratively set a goal that seems doable, and only realize it’s too challenging upon trying it. Rather than insisting they continue or moving on entirely, you’ll want to work with your teen to find an intermediate step – where you’re maintaining the overall goal but adjusting one or two variables to make it slightly easier and allow them to experience success.
• Be empathic and validating: Teens want to feel understood and that their perspective is valid. Therefore, even though problem-solving mode often feels most productive for parents, it’s equally important to take moments to empathize with and validate your teens’ struggles and the difficulty of the work that goes into challenging themselves.
• Use rewards/contingencies: Rewards serve the function of both motivating teens to do the hard work and celebrating the hard work they have done. Sometimes teens prefer to work toward more frequent, smaller rewards, and other times they prefer to take steps toward a larger reward. The rewards should correspond to the achievement of concrete goals. Contingencies can also be used, particularly if your teen is resistant to putting forth effort toward goals you know they’re able to do. This most often means making an existing privilege contingent on an action taken by your teen (e.g., once you text two peers, you can get on your video games).