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7 Tips To Help Extended Family And Friends Interact With Your Child With Selective Mutism
How to open up a conversation about selective mutism and how to help with the important people in your child’s life
Less than one in 5 adults has ever heard of selective mutism. This may include your child’s relatives and family friends—as well as teachers and school staff. Your friends and relatives may be understandably confused by your child’s selective mutism and not know how to react around them. They’ve noticed your child doesn’t speak in front of them or only whispers in your ear when they are present. They don’t understand selective mutism as an anxiety disorder that makes these situations hard for your child, so they can become offended or feel like it is something they have done. As a parent, you are your child’s best advocate. Remember: selective mutism is treatable, and a strong support system will help your child find their courage and their voice. Here are seven tips to help you explain selective mutism and coach friends and family on how to support your child.
1. Explain what selective mutism is and isn’t
Selective mutism is not just shyness or an unwillingness to talk. The first step toward being able to explain selective mutism to friends and family is learning the basics of this anxiety disorder yourself. That way, you can separate selective mutism facts from fiction for the people in your child’s life. You can share our educational resources, including articles, webinars, and book recommendations about diagnosis and treatment, as well as fiction books to read with younger family members and friends. This information will help friends and family members learn how they can help support, motivate, and interact with your child in a helpful way without adding stress.
2. Encourage warm up time
Especially with the important people in your child’s life, scheduling one-on-one time can help your child come out of their shell when a new person is around. Plan short visits designed to help your child get comfortable with relatives, especially those they see infrequently. Something as simple as getting an ice cream cone or working on a craft together can offer a great opportunity to bond. If a social gathering doesn’t allow for solo time, you can identify a private space to interact with the child away from the main action. Children with selective mutism do their best brave talking when they are able to start off with some warm-up time. Recommend to family and friends to hold off on asking a ton of questions right away when getting together, but instead using some praise (e.g., “So glad you’re here. I love your shirt.”), general comments (e.g., “I like it here. This place is a lot of fun.”), and a positive attitude when engaging with your child or teen. Encourage them to wait a few minutes (if possible) before asking any questions and an opportunity to practice with you beforehand.
3. Encourage brave talking
For children with selective mutism, interacting in social situations takes a lot of courage. Let family members and friends know they can engage them in communication by asking direct questions that prompt verbal responses. (“Would you like juice or water?”) When given two clear options, your child is more likely to use their voice instead of resorting to nodding, pointing, or writing an answer down. Your child may need a few extra seconds to conquer their fear, so let others know to wait a little longer for a response. When they receive an answer, positive reinforcement can do wonders for a child’s confidence! When your child does communicate, have others reflect on that answer and tell them why they are giving praise. By laying a foundation for friends and family on how to interact with your child, you create new opportunities for your child to practice their growing communication skills in new settings, as well as additional advocates who can guide others in their interactions.
4. Set expectations for out-of-town visits
When visiting friends or family who live out of town, let them know what to expect. Then, try to plan the trip so that your child gets the chance to bond with new people individually, before the large group gathering. Especially with less familiar faces, suggest simple adjustments like avoiding eye contact after questions and allowing warm-up time at the start of any social time. After asking a question, have them let at least five seconds pass and avoid direct eye contact while waiting for the child’s response. This can feel awkward, but sometimes a little extra space is just what the child needs to move past their comfort zone and find their voice. Sometimes, your child may not be up for talking at all, and that’s also okay! Offer praise when they do lean into brave talking, but never guilt-trip them if they need some downtime. You can always come back to it later!
5. Incorporate games and activities
Group activities like craft nights, movie showings, and family-friendly board games let your child feel like part of the crew even if they can’t speak up. They can still have fun even if they’re being quiet. When they’re feeling more comfortable, games with a verbal component can make brave talking easier. Start a round of I Spy or Would You Rather and invite the child to play. For older children, participating in guessing games like Hedbanz, Heads Up!, and Pictionary may also be an opportunity to stretch their communication skills—even if they don’t take a turn in front of the crowd and just respond to you. Tech party games like the Jackbox series or Among Us that can be played locally are also a fun opportunity for older kids to get involved without being the center of attention. Having fun is a great distraction for anxiety, and games can be a great bonding experience.
6. Establish a quiet space
For sleepovers, out-of-town visits, or even holiday parties, you can establish a quiet space where your child can retreat if they are overwhelmed. Before a visit, communicating this plan to family, friends, and your child will help alleviate anxieties. When your child knows they have a safe space available when they need it, they may feel more comfortable pushing past their comfort zone when they reenter social situations. Just make sure they don’t spend too much time away from the group—an agreed-upon time limit can give them a chance to calm down while maintaining the expectation that they will return to the gathering.
7. Meet your child at their level
Brave talking and fighting anxiety is hard work. Sometimes, your child might resort to nodding or pointing—and that’s okay. Let your friends and family know that your child’s actions are nothing personal. They can acknowledge your child in conversations or comment on what your child is doing without expecting direct verbal responses. Your child may not be able to respond to them directly, but they may be able to let you know some fun facts or questions that you can then reflect to the family and friends (e.g., Sally just told me she really likes the swings at the park.”). This allows your friends and family to know that your child is speaking and working on their Brave Talking but may not yet be at the point of sharing directly. Simple reflections can go a long way with helping them feel connected to others. Visits to zoos, museums, or parks offer bonding time where your child can practice sharing with you and then eventually with extended family or friends. Family and friends can still have a good day together when your child is being quiet, and there is always more time to keep working on their social courage together.
Throughout the entire process, be kind to yourself! Reaching out to friends and family about your child’s selective mutism can be difficult. This is a great opportunity to be brave for both you and your child. You can model stepping outside of your comfort zone and show your child how everyone has to work to overcome anxiety.A good first step is to have an honest discussion in person or by phone or write an email to friends and family with whom you want to share this information. Decide on the communication method that makes you feel the most comfortable as you open up the conversation about your child’s selective mutism history. From there, you can move on to training the people in your child’s life. If you’re struggling to get started, here is a model letter to friends and relatives that you can personalize for your own needs. Remember, the more support you can find, the better! Consider joining a selective mutism support group and becoming a member of the Selective Mutism Association for even more resources.
